Mainstream Review: Skyrim: Legendary Edition
Despite all evidence to the contrary, Gorilla Film Magazine is aware of films, television and games that are actually popular. We don’t put a lot of effort into covering that stuff, but we’re definitely aware of it. So here’s the Mainstream review of the week.
Skyrim: Legendary Edition
Release Date: 07/06/13
Released in November 2011, Skyrim told the story of Dogmatix, a wrinkly old, balding Nordic warrior with a raggedy white beard, knobbly knees and a gammy eye. Dogmatix returns to his homeland, the unfortunately named ‘Skyrim’, only to be mistaken by the Imperial Empire as a rebel and sentenced to death. However, just as a blood spattered axe is about to separate Dogmatix’s head from his shoulders, a huge fucking dragon swoops out of the sky and burns the whole village to the ground.
After his escape from the clutches of death by axe and/or dragon, Dogmatix must make his way in the open world of Skyrim. First he becomes a mercenary, donning rusted iron armour and killing bandits or raiding haunted tombs for small change. After a while, in dire need of cash, the Nordic warrior actually joins the Imperial Empire as a foot solider, and helps defend a town from the rebellion.
Of course, if you played Skyrim yourself you probably had a different experience. You may have been a handsome knight, or a dark elf, or a young wizard, or a giant cat…? You might have joined the rebellion against the Empire, or followed your destiny as the ‘Dragonborn’, the one who is chosen to slay fucking dragons. The world of Skyrim is huge and immersive, full of diverse wildlife and monsters, from ants to woolly mammoths, and of course the dragons, who fly about torching villages at random.
You can chop wood, pick flowers, kill and skin animals, cook food, mine ore, make armour and weapons, read spells, enchant items, brew potions, keep bees, build your own house, get married, adopt children and give them pets to play with. And that’s all just the random nonsense you probably won’t bother with, but it’s there, adding depth and complexity to the experience.
Skyrim: Legendary Edition is the original game with added stuff, extra content like Dawnguard, Hearthfire and Dragonborn, as well as little tweaks to the experience, such as the ability to fight while on horseback and a special difficulty mode. At £30 it’s only really worth buying if you never got round to purchasing all the DLC for the original game.
If, for some bizarre reason, you’re a gamer who never played Skyrim, this is the perfect chance to see what all the fuss it about. But to everyone else this is simply a compilation pack with a few bugs fixed. Most likely you’ve thoroughly explored every dirty crevice Skyrim has to offer, so really it’s time to say goodbye to this epic game of epic epicness. It was fun while it lasted, but the adventure is over, folks. I’d advise holding onto your hard-earned pennies- at least as far as the pub.
Note: if you were wondering why getting shot in the knee was such a regular occurrence in Skyrim, the phrase “I took an arrow to the knee” is a Nordic saying meaning “I got married”.
This was written by David Knight.